Working Through Grief

Delaying The Inevitable

July 10th, 2013
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I’m scared of things.  Lots of things.  And there are things that I really don’t want to do.
But I usually force myself to do them.  Because eventually I know I will probably have to do them all by myself.
I could ask other people to do things for me but I always feel silly doing that because I know I can do it for myself.  Besides, by the time I ask someone else to do something for me and I explain what it is that I need done, I could have done it for myself.
I try to live … Read More

Monkey Bars

July 2nd, 2013
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Yesterday I wrote about one small aspect of holding on to a deceased loved one’s material things for a long time.  It’s a rather large emotional minefield of an issue but if you ride along with me for a bit more today maybe we can make some progress together and get on with it. Let’s be real:  nobody wants to hurt and nobody wants to feel pain.  It’s in our DNA to try and protect ourselves and so we naturally want to run away from pain and suffering; even sometimes to deny its existence.  I think this is one of… Read More

Tossing Emotional Baggage

July 1st, 2013
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A spilled box of cereal this weekend took me through an unexpected, yet healthy exercise. While trying to do too many things at the same time in the kitchen, I spilled a box of cereal inside one of my kitchen cabinets.  Don’t you hate it when that happens? It was such a klutzy move and right away I was annoyed with myself.  I looked at the shelf with the cereal spilled everywhere inside the cabinet and knew I was going to have to take everything out and vacuum the shelf.  Damn! What a pain! I knew the sooner I started… Read More

Parents Are Human Too

June 28th, 2013
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While celebrating my son’s birthday recently, he asked me once again what it was like the day he was born. I think every child likes to reminisce about the day of their birth and what everyone was doing as they were arriving into the world.  His questions about how long I was in labor, what was happening in the hospital and what Daddy was doing were expected. But that conversation evolved into a bittersweet conversation about his Dad and some of the frustrating health issues he had before his death.  His Dad (my husband) was diabetic and injected insulin.  He… Read More

Road Trip — Traveling Alone

June 27th, 2013
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I was chatting with one of my friends recently and catching up with the happenings in her life.  We hadn’t spoken for a few months so there was a lot to talk about.  Her husband died about three years ago and she was telling me about the adjustments and bumps in the road that her new life was presenting for her. One big issue was vacation. Sounds great, right?  Easy, right? Just do it, right? Welllllll, it’s not as easy as it sounds if you are still getting used to the idea that you are doing things by yourself.  She… Read More

KissyFace

June 21st, 2013
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The picture posted on the Facebook page shows a CD leaning against a car dashboard with the following handwritten message written with a Sharpie:  “To KissyFace – From Your Number #1 Fan.” On a different Facebook page, a male friend enthusiastically writes about a recent Washington Nationals baseball game, what the score was and the important plays of the game.  He then ends his post by saying how much he misses his friend.  On the same page, a different friend posts a story that was in that day’s newspaper and says, “I know you would like this story.  It’s your… Read More

Over You — Miranda Lambert

June 20th, 2013
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Miranda Lambert We like to think that the people we love will remain with us forever. No one wants to think of a time or be faced with a time when a loved one gets sick, is in an accident or worse and will no longer be here. But unfortunately, sadly and even tragically, life does not work the way we want, as hard as we always try to will it to work our way. The reason why I am drawn to the haunting song, “Over You,” sung here by award-winning country music singer Miranda Lambert, who also co-wrote this… Read More

Your Dad Is Here

June 16th, 2013
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I see my husband in my son in small ways:  the way he rolls up his long sleeved shirts, the set of his jaw when he is annoyed or determined to do something he really wants to accomplish and the way he plays chicken with his car’s gas tank and won’t fill it up until it is almost empty. When I see those traits it is bittersweet: they make me laugh and but they also make me feel a little sad and wistful.    “He is still with us,” I think to myself.  My husband had a very strong personality so… Read More

Fathers & Sons

June 15th, 2013
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Today I’m going to visit my Dad and celebrate Father’s Day a day early. My son won’t be joining me because he is out of town visiting his girlfriend.  Even if my son were here in town, I would still be emotionally torn on Father’s Day.My Dad is still alive and our family is lucky and blessed to have him. But my son’s father, who was also my husband, died nine years ago and the celebration of Father’s Day makes me feel guilty and conflicted. Guilty because my father is alive and his isn’t.  Conflicted because I want to make… Read More